"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." ~E.E. Cummings
Well, it has been 3 weeks since I wrote. In fact, it's been 3 weeks since I even mustered up the courage to actually look at my blog since the last one I wrote. It took quite a few deep breaths and a bit of liquid courage, before I was able to convince myself to start writing about such personal reflections of myself to an audience...not that my blog has an audience. It even took a few days before the thought of deleting my last entry stopped haunting me, but then the thoughts of what comments I might receive started to roll in.
Anxiety can drive a person mad. Your mind constantly races with thoughts like a 7 year old who has ADD and a bag full of pixie sticks...the super large ones! You stay in a confused state between reality and paranoia. At times it seems the paranoia is your reality. Those thoughtless worries that everyone has at one point or another (like what you're going to wear to work that day or what you're going to have for dinner) are so intense for me that sleep does not come. One simple thought about what am I going to have for dinner tomorrow night begins to form a tangled web linking one concern to the next. I cannot explain the reason behind it. I have literally just sat here for 20 minutes typing & backspacing, typing & backspacing trying to describe the reason. So, if someone out there knows why (other than a physiological reason) even the little things cause such mental anguish I'm begging you to help me out! All my life I have upset, frustrated and even angered people in my life because I just cannot explain it to them. I can only say, "That's how I am. That's just me." I don't enjoy the non-stop mental distress about EVERYTHING. I've thought about taking up yoga for the calming meditation and controlled breathing techniques you can learn. Of course though, I always have an excuse for why I still haven't set foot in a room with colorful kindergarten mats spaced out on the floor. It's not that I don't want my mind to have peace, it's that more worries always come. What if I wear a sweatsuit (because I have a disgusting hippopotamus belly) instead of stereotypical yoga attire? I have always thought I was a good ballerina (balance, coordination, etc.), but what if I can't do this? Does that mean I never really as good as I thought I was? What if I'm "called out" in front of everyone? I could go on and on... I absolutely cannot stand that the majority of my day AND night is filled with questions! SERENITY NOW!!!!!!!!! (Ha!Ha!)
Today was good though. What a fantastic surprise I had when I finally reasoned with myself and logged on to check my blog! MDH was right! You can find support, encouragement and comfort through a blog... even if it is just you giving you the chance to discover yourself.
Well, it has been 3 weeks since I wrote. In fact, it's been 3 weeks since I even mustered up the courage to actually look at my blog since the last one I wrote. It took quite a few deep breaths and a bit of liquid courage, before I was able to convince myself to start writing about such personal reflections of myself to an audience...not that my blog has an audience. It even took a few days before the thought of deleting my last entry stopped haunting me, but then the thoughts of what comments I might receive started to roll in.
Anxiety can drive a person mad. Your mind constantly races with thoughts like a 7 year old who has ADD and a bag full of pixie sticks...the super large ones! You stay in a confused state between reality and paranoia. At times it seems the paranoia is your reality. Those thoughtless worries that everyone has at one point or another (like what you're going to wear to work that day or what you're going to have for dinner) are so intense for me that sleep does not come. One simple thought about what am I going to have for dinner tomorrow night begins to form a tangled web linking one concern to the next. I cannot explain the reason behind it. I have literally just sat here for 20 minutes typing & backspacing, typing & backspacing trying to describe the reason. So, if someone out there knows why (other than a physiological reason) even the little things cause such mental anguish I'm begging you to help me out! All my life I have upset, frustrated and even angered people in my life because I just cannot explain it to them. I can only say, "That's how I am. That's just me." I don't enjoy the non-stop mental distress about EVERYTHING. I've thought about taking up yoga for the calming meditation and controlled breathing techniques you can learn. Of course though, I always have an excuse for why I still haven't set foot in a room with colorful kindergarten mats spaced out on the floor. It's not that I don't want my mind to have peace, it's that more worries always come. What if I wear a sweatsuit (because I have a disgusting hippopotamus belly) instead of stereotypical yoga attire? I have always thought I was a good ballerina (balance, coordination, etc.), but what if I can't do this? Does that mean I never really as good as I thought I was? What if I'm "called out" in front of everyone? I could go on and on... I absolutely cannot stand that the majority of my day AND night is filled with questions! SERENITY NOW!!!!!!!!! (Ha!Ha!)
Today was good though. What a fantastic surprise I had when I finally reasoned with myself and logged on to check my blog! MDH was right! You can find support, encouragement and comfort through a blog... even if it is just you giving you the chance to discover yourself.
2 comments:
i was "called out" in a yoga class once and it totally ruined the effect for me. Try a yoga DVD :) Wait til Lar and Lo arent home and put on the sweatsuit and go for it. It is really relaxing when you get the hang of it
Megan you crack me up! I know we haven't hung out in well, years, but I can hear you saying some of that stuff as I was reading it. I don't think you have a giant hippopatomous (ok I can't even spell that) belly. I tried to do some pregnancy yoga videos by myself and couldn't handle it--Have you read Eat, Love & Pray? I think it would be right up your ally. Or have you read Blue Like Jazz?
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