Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
An afternoon at Carl Sandburgs...
Well, I made it up to Little Glassy with a backpack carrying this journal, my Captivating book, cell phone, car keys and a diet Dr. Pepper from Sonic. (I think the fact that I walked up here with a fountain drink from Sonic is amusing.) I'm looking out over the mountains and really enjoying the peace, solitude and strength they have to give me. Mountains don't expect anything in return for all their gifts, which happen to be gifts that I need everyday.
I need peace in my head because it's constantly rushing and whirling about - even medication can't make that stop. I need solitude. No one asking me to do something. No one telling me I need to do something better or that what I'm doing is no good enough. I need the quiet that being here brings. I need help in order to ground myself and not have everyone in my ear. I need strength. God, I need so much strength. Everyday for me is another battle, another bridge to cross, another fight within myself to get it done, to finish it. Everyday I struggle constantly collecting the pieces of my life that I have personally shattered and continue going. Or am I going to wake up and have to fight those intense urges to run away? Am I going to succumb to my racing thoughts and announce out of no where that I'm headed to Hollywood...I am going to be an actress! I fall asleep scared of what I'm going to wake-up to. I toss and turn at night anxiety rushing so fast through my veins so fast I wake dripping with a cold sweat. Who am I going to hurt tomorrow? Who am I going to let down? Am I going to have the strength of mind and the courage it takes for me to face the day? Am I going to think non-stop about disappearing or spending every penny I have in my bank account (or don't have in my bank account, truth be told)? Am I going to actually make it through the day? Or will those tormenting thoughts haunt me enough to end my insanity? Every night these are my fears and my nightmares. There's no use trying to fool myself into thinking maybe tonight, maybe they won't come...because they always do. I know I have to live "Just for Today" but as hard as I'm trying to live each day just for the day... I still have knots in my stomach and a nervous head petrified of which Megan will wake up in the morning.
It really is beautiful up here. Just me and my mountains.
